Does it really hurt to grow up fatherless?

Psalms 10: 14: But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

I grew up fatherless, not only was I fatherless, there were not any males in my household.  I did not think that this was a problem; until some well-meaning preacher made it a problem.  I have been thinking about this lately, because I have reconciled with the pastor’s statement.  The statement was you cannot have a good relationship with your heavenly father without reconciling with your earthly father.  He repeated that theme for a whole half an hour.  Suddenly, the relationship that I have with the heavenly father, was it a sham?  I like so many did not even remember my earthly father.  There are many my age who never met their earthly father; they died in Vietnam without meeting their child. Then I started to think, what about these people?  I know some that have never met their earthly father yet have amazing relationships with the Heavenly father.  I start thinking that this guy did not realize the potential damage of his statement. ‘you can’t have a good relationship with your heavenly father, unless you have a good relationship with the earthly father’.  He had no idea how many people are in the boat as me.  I am supposed to go look up a man, that I do not remember, to have a great relationship with God?   I though I already had a good relationship with God.  Then the pastor said the second most dangerous thing he could have said.  ‘If you have not reconciled with your earthly father, the man whose genetics you share, you will never have the relationship with God that you could have. Your anger will hinder it’.   Wait a second what?  Oh, he may have a point, I do have anger against my earthly father, anger that he did not care enough to take care of us.  I knew he knew where we were and how we lived, how ends didn’t meet, how we often went to bed hungry, how there was never enough. I knew he had money.  I was angry that he did not care enough to help.  How did I know that he knew all this?  My now deceased aunt explained to me the animosity that my mother had for their other sister.  One of my mother’s sisters was still friends with the man who divorced my mom on her birthday, had her excommunicated on her birthday, took her to court so he would not have to pay child support. I detested my birth dad.  I have not ever thought to call him that because there was not another man in my life until I got married.  I hear the pastor speak again, he goes on to say ‘if you don’t have a good relationship with your earthly father, you will never have a good relationship with your husband’ (it was a couple’s retreat).  What now the relationship with my husband is dependent on reconciling with this man? Why I was not even sure where he lived.  I have not spoken to him in years.  Do you mean that the reason that my previous two husbands were abusers is because I never learned how a man should behave? Okay you might have a point there, but I got it right the 3rd time. He is not an abuser. I did eventually figure out how a man should behave.  A prospective mate explained it to me one night during a very long talk, as he was explaining to me why he was not a good mate.  Not only did he explain it all to me, he explained to me what I should be seeking in a mate. He knew my fatherless past and I guess he cared enough about me to explain it all to me.  If you read this Thank you, you saved me from picking duds. The next boyfriend has been my husband for 22.5 years. So reluctantly I looked up my dud of a father.  Needless to say, it was a disaster.  He had the nerve to tell me that my own kids wanted for things, material things and I was a lousy mother. He confirmed what my deceased aunt had told me so many years ago, He is a scoundrel, not worth my attention.  He actually divorced my mom on her birthday. He sent her an annulment notice on her birthday.  He did have her excommunicated on her birthday. He got one of my wonderful aunts testified against my mom in order to avoid paying child support.  Money that in our household was desperately needed.  Maybe I would not have ever gone to bed hungry if my earthly father had of cared about me. How can a relationship with this awful man improve my relationship with God or with my husband?  Both who waited patiently while I worked through this issue.  What the pastor did not make clear, or maybe I missed it; is that you do not have to reconcile with the man; you have to reconcile with what he did. You must forgive what he did. It was not easy.  The actual man, may be deceased or like mine, worthless. He may have been a one night stand and your mom may not be sure exactly who he is.  Maybe he raped your mom, maybe she was a victim of human trafficking. Who cares!  What the point is you do not have to reconcile with the man, you must reconcile with the feelings you have because of what that man did or did not do. That is what is hindering your other relationships, it is not some crummy man on earth, that idiot is over 70 years old. If he had remorse or was going to have remorse, it would have happened years ago, when reconciliation is not an option, we have to reconcile with our emotions caused by the crummy man. The pastor might not have explained it very well. I don’t think he did, because I have heard the same message from other pastors.  When they say that, they miss the boat. What they really mean is you must let go of those yucky feelings and let go. It was not your fault, you do not carry the blame.  If they don’t care enough, then it is on them. But when we have anger in our hearts it hurts our relationship with God, with other people, just forgive.  Yes, this is one of those things that takes time and prayer.  On my own, I am unable to forgive my biological father. But with God, all things are possible. If you are a pastor who has preached this message, be careful to explain that if your biological father feels he has nothing to reconcile, then we need to just work on forgiveness and to not worry about going to the ballpark with our Biological fathers. That is a relationship many will never have with their deadbeat dad. But it does not mean that a relationship with God is not going to be wonderful.

Maybe I still have some forgiving to do, but I know God has it.  To the single mom’s out there, the ones who struggle because the father of their children is a deadbeat, Trust God, and know that your heavenly father loves you. Share that love with your children. I never doubted that my mom loved me. Would my life have been better with two parents? Maybe, but not with my biological father, he is a mess. Is some of the mess in my life his fault? No, it has more to do with not understanding, not having a clue about how a real man is supposed to be.  I want to take a special shout to all the men that are not married to or with the mother of their children, yet still take care of them. I am not talking about the ones that make a court ordered payment.  I mean the ones that participate, the ones that help above and beyond the court ordered child support. Stay involved your presence matters more than the money.  To the parents raising children alone; teach your kids what a real man or woman is. If you are not sure yourself, find out.  But know this just because you have a non-existent relationship with your birth dad; you can still have a wonderful relationship with your heavenly father.  The catch is forgiving the idiot that helped bring you into this world and left you stranded, maybe he just didn’t know any better. Maybe he does not have a real relationship with the Heavenly father.

 

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